2012: A loving year

For a while now, I was not understanding why so many close friends, acquaintances and plain others were writing about "looking back at 2012" stuffs. 

I really couldn't. Until I paused, thought, and looked back at my own 2012. Whatever happened to the year that the world would supposedly end?

Almost immediately, I realized it was the year that my boyfriend (whom I am deeply in love with) left for the United States of America. 

With that thought, I was reminded that 2012 had been a year of happiness, sadness, despair, longing, frustration, hope, adjustment and recovery (in no particular order because the following emotions recur regularly and interchangeably), all from love that was lost physically and regained spiritually. 

Long-distance relationships (LDR) would never be easy. So for my own (with a defeated pride) "looking back at 2012 story," I would like to share my experiences on our one-of-a-kind love affair. Also, I believe these things were the ones that significantly shaped me this 2012. 

In case you would ever wear my shoes, here are my phases of LDR.  

Phase 1: The looming
This was the whole period in which you were already aware that the person--you waited for so long--will leave you one of these days. The one who finally gave you the love you deserved would go away. 

It's not yet soon. It was later but still the feeling was there. The inevitable looming feeling that you would rather not think about but do so. You always tried kicking it out of your thoughts. It would be successful at times, but it's just there. The f*cking truth looms. 

Phase 2: The coming
Of course, the time to leave would not be forever "later". Sooner and sooner it would come. Until it's already so soon all you'd ever want was to be with each other all the time. 

And the most unacceptable part of it was, you couldn't because other important matters hindered you. But, you'd still do anything just to be together. Which made this phase the most tiring one. 

But it didn't matter, really. It was time and memories and experiences together that were on the line. You couldn't exchange those for anything. 

Phase 3: The questioning
The last three days before he left. Loads and loads of confrontations over and over again. It was like understanding what was already understood. Questioning why fate made things as it were. Everything was supposed to be perfect.

Seemed nothing really was ever perfect. 

Phase 4: The depressing
The day of departure and the first week that followed: Emptiness. You were crying every single moment you could. Depression at its finest. 

Phase 5: The accepting
The first month of being away from each other. You were here and he was there. You took everything in. Shit happened. So you were left to make things work. 

And with all your effort, heart and soul into it, you realize that love existed even over distance and time. You could feel it and nothing seemed wrong again.  

It sounded easy enough but no. Quarrels and questions still happened in between but they were all part of the challenge. So you had to understand one another, for at this point of time, more or less, you already knew each other. 

Phase 6: The adjusting
After the first month and so on. You pretty much had built a world of relationship over distance and time, over the world wide web. Normalized everything. You existed in one another's world even without actually being there. 

These included knowing what was happening on his part of the world, and what was happening on her part of the world. Like you knew if he was sleeping, eating, working, playing, and thinking of you--even without him telling you. 

These simple things were enough to make you two happy. Normal right!

Phase 7: The waiting
The present time onward. Your time together would come. You believed in this for you loved him like you never loved anyone before. The mere thought that you would never be together again ached your heart. 

So you would wait all the wait it would ever take. And when it happened, nothing would ever tear you apart again. Never again. 

Phase in between: The longing
Need I explain this? Forever longing. Period. 

So there, my 2012. A year of roller coaster love with lots of ups and downs. But just like the end of every roller coaster ride there is fulfillment. I am happy for everything that I ever did for us. 

So I welcome 2013 with bigger love! :)

Highway

Let me tell you of the loneliest road trip of my life. 

It happened when the man I love most was sitting and sleeping beside me inside a cramped car, and yet, despite the closeness, I knew that he was about to go some where far away. And I dreaded the thought the most. 

But I couldn't help but think of it. We still had some more time together. Like now. It was dawn then. It was dawn. And the car was keeping a steady and speedy phase. The highway was clean, few cars either passed us by, or was already up ahead of us on the long road. 

I was seated next to the right door and window, meaning he was seating at my left. Note that I had the right view. 

Meanwhile, his dad was the one steering the wheel and beside him was his mom. We were on our way for a week-long vacation. My excitement was vanishing. 

I felt his warmth beside me, but I did not look at him. I was only looking outside the window and everything was gray. The leaves of the sporadic trees lined up along the road were dull. Green was my favorite color, but not that time. The the lampposts, the soil, the grass, the rice fields, the mountains far beyond were all gloomy. 

Were dawns supposed to be that tragic? You knew the darkness of the night was over and yet, were was the light?

That moment of searching seemed to reflect what was brewing inside me. Were was my happiness? Wasn't this heavy man, whose weight was upon me, supposed to bring me happiness? 

And for the first time ever, I realized he was bringing me loneliness. He was leaving me for another country, a different life. I would be left here. He was bound there. And what would happen to us? 

Questions. Doubts. Fear. These flooded my mind. Why did fate chose to pull us apart? I was tormenting. And the absence of life on the road and the view was intensifying everything. And it just kept stretching on and on, the south-bound super highway. 

Suddenly, I just wanted to hold him tight. So I faced him. 

And what I saw was beyond me or him. It was beyond everything. It was the break of dawn. There was the light. It was with him all along. 

The sun was but a tiny spec on the horizon but it was already brightly orange-lit. The sky on his side was starting to get infected by the blaze. Crimson shades were starting to further out. And the vibrant light was seeping into the leaves of the trees giving it a lovely glow. 

There was so much color already and in no time, my side of the horizon will be reached as well. 

I rested my head on his shoulder to wonder some more on this beautiful thing. Sometimes, one only needed a change of perspective.